Chainsaw Willie and a Goodwill bag
Sometimes, I think God looks down on me and giggles to himself as he turns up the Suck Knob on my life.
How else can you explain my neighbor or Chainsaw Willie as I like to call him? The guy thinks he is the reincarnation of Paul Bunyan. He moved into the house behind me about a year ago and has been cutting down trees ever since. Many a Saturday morning has been ruined by his constant tree felling and lumber dismemberment. He has even managed to cut down a few trees on my property. We have had shouting matches, stare downs and run-ins with Joe Law. I used to love my little Alcove-In-The-Woods, until Chain Saw Willy hit the scene and turned my peaceful nook into a logging camp.
This morning he was out there at
The only reason anyone should be using power tools at that hour is that they are hacking up annoying dinner guests and trying to dispose of the bodies.
After about 15 minutes, I kicked off my blue and white comforter and ran outside, barefoot and clothed only in my flannel PJ bottoms and a T-shirt. I was about to let out a verbal tirade that would make a Marine blush, when I heard the guy who lives on the other side of Chain Saw Willie start screaming every cuss word known to man in Willies direction. They harangued back and forth, grunting threats, gesturing wildly and safely posturing behind the small forest that separated them. Chain Saw Willie kept squeezing his finger on the throttle of his Troybuilt and screaming obscenities, while my angry neighbor flayed and paced back and forth across his deck.
Soon, I realized that my poor little man nipples were about to fall off from exposure. It was damn cold out there that morning.
I went back inside and jumped into bed, but it was of no use. I am not one to easily fall back asleep. Once I am awake, that is it. I am up for the day. So I got up, made myself some tea and decided I would use this “free time” to clean out my closet for a trip to Goodwill.
I swear I must have been really drunk every time I went clothes shopping. I have some outrageously heinous clothes. Plaid pants and neon muscle shirts paraphrased my teenage years and somehow still managed to command a hanger in my closet. I am defunct fashion-wise. I don’t even remember my flannel phase, but I must have had one because I have like 15 flannel shirts. I even have some clothes that went out of style when Miami Vice went off the air.
I came across: A corduroy shirt with a zipper that only went down half way. Light blue “Plastique” sweatpants (I don’t remember when I was in my “Twink” phase either). Nut hugger shorts from Junior High. A stone washed jean jacket with Motley Crue and Jane’s Addiction patches on it. (That was actually kind of tough to throw in the goodwill bag “sniff, sniff”). And lastly, several ties with various farm animals on them.
I think I need to get the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to go shopping with me, so I don’t look like a dork all the time. Either that or get my girlfriend to hit the mall with me. She loves to shop and has a much better sense of style than I do. I still wear white socks, for Christ’s sake….
Just then I noticed something.
Silence.
I looked out my window and saw a couple of Joe Laws in Chainsaw’s yard.
Then I saw Chainsaw get cuffed and stuffed.
I don’t know exactly what happened, but Chainsaw is probably wanted in 35 states for non-payment of child support and running an animal porn ring. Or maybe he is running a safe house for unlicensed lumberjacks.
Whatever the reason, it’s good to see him suffer a little bit.
Not like I’m malicious or anything, I just like to see a good end to a bad story.
I smiled as the toaster popped up my waffles and I took another drag from my coffee mug.
I guess God just turned down the Suck Knob.
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