Dad

wrote my dad a letter

Dear Dad,

I was thinking of you, which I do a lot of these days, and realized I had loads of stuff I wanted to talk to you about. But, you know how it is. We don’t really talk that much. You never seemed like much of a talker and I guess I’m not either. It is just the way we are.
However, I do like to write and figured I could just sit down and write you a letter.
So I plopped myself down at my computer and started to write.
I got as far as “Dear Dad” and that was it. My fingers sat motionless on the keyboard and I just stared at the screen. There were so many words and so many thoughts, that I didn’t know where to begin. My life and all our moments together played over and over again in my head. The good times, the hard times, the happy and the sad, all those moments that have melted into me and you.
Suddenly, I was crying.
Not because I was sad, or mad or even happy. I was all those things. I was just reliving all those moments. So I started typing, but two paragraphs and two sentences into it, I realized I should have started it differently.
I should have just started off by saying I love you because that is all I really wanted to say.
All those moments that I mentioned, they all boil down to that.
I know our relationship is strained at best and our personalities dictate that it probably will never change. That is just the way it is. Sometimes life happens when we are busy doing other things.
Here I am now, a grown man with a family of my own and life is much different than it was when I was teenager and we parted ways so angrily. We both have our versions of it and the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. It is a shame that such a brief period of time has influenced who we are so much.
I look down at my son and see his eyes widen with wonder as he looks up at me. I see myself in those eyes looking up at you. It seems like yesterday when I was his age and you were my hero like I am his. I hug him and remember how safe I felt in your arms. Every time I find myself teaching him about life, I remember all the times you taught me the little things about life. Every time I feel the weight of trying to raise a child I think of you doing it alone. Yeah, you had Grandma and Grandpa and your siblings, but it was still you.
Mom wasn’t there.
It was you.
Life was hard and you did the best you could. You had your demons but your best side showed through more times than I give you credit for in some of my stories and maybe more than you give yourself credit for.
There have been many times and still are times when I wish you could make me feel as safe as I felt way back then.
I guess it is my turn to be the hero.
I just want you to know I learned how to be a hero from you and that you will always be mine.
I love you Dad,